I was in this weird sense of denial about my eating disorder resurfacing. Facing up to the anxiety, depression, and self harm urges was easy. Admitting that I'd sunk back into *that* world? Hard as hell.
I went into counseling. I also didn't tell anyone. When I went on medication it was easy to admit, but counseling was a different animal. I think it was admitting that I was so out of control of my own thoughts.
It ended up being the best decision I've made in a long time.
I drove roughly an hour (at least...stuck in traffic A LOT) once a week because I found an amazing therapist. I poured out my heart. I worked through A LOT of difficult things. I cried more than I wanted. I forced myself to face difficult situations...even going as far as to email him saying, "Force me to talk about this." He said no other patient has done that and he admired how dedicated I was to getting better.
Truth be told, it was the first time I've ever gone into counseling with the intention of getting better. Every other time it was either paying lip service because I was forced OR dealing with a single issue and never opening up. With Derek I felt like I could be real and never felt judged. The only other person that knows so much of me is my husband.
Now to the apology.
During this time I tried to work on my business...even though I felt like the world's biggest hypocrite. Here I was preaching the virtue of being healthy and making healthy choices...and then curled up in a ball in front of the fridge sobbing because the idea of *needing* to eat (of having no choice) was overwhelming and terrifying.
I'd sell products during a high point with the full intention of being a good coach. Then I'd dip into a valley and shut off from the world; leaving my customers hanging in the balance.
I let you down. I know it was to "take care of me" or whatever, but I still feel like I let you down. I could have admitted to my faults or backed off completely, but I kept that false front up for the world.