Chances are you've read a few "Things That Happen During Pregnancy" articles/blogs in your lifetime. Some wax poetic about how your body is changing to grow a human. Others rant about all of the gross things that happen. 

Well here's one about the 4 things I wasn't prepared to have happen to my body. These things won't happen to everyone, but they're more common than you might think.

​ WARNING: I'm about to get personal!

1) Favorite Foods Become The Enemy
I was one of the lucky ones that didn't puke with my morning sickness. I just spent the entire day so nauseated I couldn't eat...so maybe not THAT lucky. 
Suddenly, my favorite things in the world started triggering overwhelming nausea. Someone making coffee? Gag. Handling meat? Someone else do it, please. 
Then came the heartburn. I craved spicy food but ended up in awful pain afterwards. 
When my uterus got freaking huge, I ate constantly because anything more than a small serving made me painfully full. 

2) Everything Hurts
Never had joint pain before? You do now! That sharp stitch in your side? Probably "Round Ligament Pain" thanks to muscles stretching out. So congested you feel like your head is in a vice? Welcome to Pregnant Rhinitis. When that's over you can enjoy your nose being dry and cracking on the inside. 
Just wait until that baby settles down closer to the birth canal. It feels like you're smuggling a bowling ball in your vagina. 
Those sweet baby kicks that feel weird and cool at the same time? Not as much fun on your ribcage...and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

3) Stretch Marks...Everywhere. And I Do Mean Everywhere.
I'm convinced everyone who says they didn't get stretch marks during pregnancy either didn't look hard enough or is a genetic mutant and not to be trusted. 
I got stretch marks in the expected places: Belly, Hips, Breasts (I already had those thanks to my boobs being freaking huge) 
I didn't expect to get stretch marks in Lady Land. 
You heard me. 
Stretch Marks. In my lower bathing suit area. 
What. The. Actual. Hell. 

4) Hormones Don't Only Mean Crying.
I got needy. Like a kitten level of needy. I wanted people around but wanted my space at the same time. I wanted to be cuddled but could barely stand being touched. I wanted to watch my favorite movies but got pissed off when they made me cry. 
I was a mess. 
Thanks hormones. You suck. 

BUUUUUUT

It's worth it in the end. 

Nope. Totally serious here. 

Getting a baby out of the deal was pretty cool. I grew a human inside me. Twice. It's pretty badass. 

This post contains affiliate links. That means I get a teeny percentage but you pay the same.

I love this thing. 

My kids can use it to fill AND TIE their own water balloons. I'm sure my parents wish we'd had something like this when I was a kid. Tying a thousand balloons by hand is hard on the fingers! 

Here are videos of the kids demonstrating.

I can whip out several balloons in a matter of minutes. 

Now, occasionally it slips off and sprays water everywhere...but the entire point of water balloons is to get wet, right? 

I'm not being sponsored to promote this or anything...I just think it's the coolest thing I've seen. There are also refill packs with all sorts of colors! 

Go to Amazon and check it out by clicking here! 

It was promptly brought to my attention that I missed a few in the previous post.

So here's Part Two!

Tequila
It's Girl's Night or you're eating tacos (or both)

 Cheap Wine
You're a mom. 

Expensive Wine
You're not a mom. 

Imported Beer
You've tasted a lot of beer and know your stuff. 

Domestic Beer
You'll take what you can get. 

Cheap Beer (think Keystone)
​You're disgusting.

This is totally in fun. If you take any of this seriously...you must be new around here. 

No Alcohol
You're probably the designated driver tonight.

Cheap Vodka
You're a broke college kid...chances are you aren't even old enough to legally drink.

Expensive Vodka
In a martini? You're a spy. 
Straight up? You want to get drunk...like, yesterday. 

Rum
You're either a pirate or enjoy pretending you live on the beach.

Whiskey
You're hardcore and likely to punch that rude guy in the corner before you finish your drink.

Gin
You're old. Sorry. 

16 years ago, I was 13. 

I was depressed, a child in the middle of divorce, and coming off of the first huge loss I'd ever dealt with.

16 years ago, I went out with a guy I barely knew. 

We ended up back at my house...alone. 

16 years ago, one thing led to another.

I never said no. I never said stop. I never asked questions. 

16 years ago was not my fault. 

It was the first in a string of boys that would take advantage of my vulnerability and insecurity. (Partially thanks to the horrible messages I received)

I'm not proud of it. But I refuse to be ashamed. 

I do not deserve to be punished. I do not deserve to be shamed. I do not deserve to be treated poorly. 

...Even by my own thoughts. 

16 years ago, my world changed in an instant. 

And today, I'm holding my head high...where it belongs. 

Are you a Pinterest Mom? No, not a mom that USES Pinterest. I mean, a mom that someone could use as board inspiration.

We all have our Pinterest Mom moments. Some more than others. You might fix your kids a beautiful, healthy meal (whether or not they eat it doesn't matter...the pictures look damn good). Your kitchen might be spotless (don't go into the living room though). Is your outfit on point? (Who cares that your closet is spread across your bed?)

Maybe you have your Pinterest Mom "thing." You know, that area where you hit the Awesome Level more often than not. Maybe feeding your kids organic, whole foods is priority. I have a friend who prioritizes a clean house. Maybe you get up and do full hair/makeup every day. That's cool. 

But can we all agree that no one is a Pinterest Mom in every area 100% of the time? It's a Mom Reality. Something's gotta give. 

So here are a few tongue-in-cheek examples of Pinterest Mom vs Mom Reality.

Pinterest Mom: Feeds her kids organic, vegan, healthy meals and snacks at scheduled times. 

Mom Reality: OMG FINE! Eat the piece of store bought bread. I JUST FED YOU. Don't think I'm cooking again so soon. 

Pinterest Mom: Dresses herself and her kids in coordinated, spotless clothing even to sit around the house. 

Mom Reality: One kid's shirt is inside out but at least he dressed himself. Crap, is that shirt dirty? Whatever, we have to leave...where are my flipflops? 

Pinterest Mom: Clean house where each room is worthy of a magazine photo. 

Mom Reality: What are you eating? Where did you find that? When did we buy raisins last? Whatever, I'm not cooking again so soon. 

Pinterest Mom: Barely breaks a sweat as she completes her morning yoga at sunrise.

Mom Reality:

My husband has been gone a lot in the evenings this week. So, I've been able to watch movies he wouldn't otherwise...he's not a horror fan. 

I rarely go see movies in the theater unless I'm sure I'll like them...or unless I've read the book. I don't like spending $10+ on a maybe. 

THE FOREST

​When her twin sister disappears in Japan, a young American named Sara (Natalie Dormer) becomes determined to find out what happened to her. Sara's investigation leads her to the legendary Aokigahara Forest, located at the base of Mount Fuji. Accompanied by expatriate Aiden, she enters the mysterious wilderness after being warned to "stay on the path." Her investigation plunges her into a dark world where the angry and tormented souls of the dead prey on those who dare to explore the forest.

I went into this movie with high expectations....and had those sorely dashed. It ended up being one of those movies where the plot never got rolling. It felt like all exposition. I kept waiting for it to really pick up and GET GOING and then.....it ended. The simplicity of the premise didn't allow for a lot of plot development anyway. Even so, I kept feeling like I'd been given pieces to a puzzle without the box...and that's where the rest of the pieces were being kept. I also hate when a movie relies on jump scares! If you can't freak me out without a dozen scary things jumping out at me...your writing sucks. 

THE VVITCH (WITCH)

In 1630 New England, panic and despair envelops a farmer (Ralph Ineson), his wife (Kate Dickie) and four of their children when youngest son Samuel suddenly vanishes. The family blames Thomasin (Anya Taylor-Joy), the oldest daughter who was watching the boy at the time of his disappearance. With suspicion and paranoia mounting, twin siblings Mercy (Ellie Grainger) and Jonas (Lucas Dawson) suspect Thomasin of witchcraft, testing the clan's faith, loyalty and love to one another.

It got such high praise on various websites. I went in thinking I'd walk away properly terrified. 
Nope.
They worked really hard at making this film disturbing and, when I got bored, I started picking those things apart. 
- The use of neutral colors with splashes of red. We, as a species, know red usually means blood so it's bad. The neutral colors make the red POP. 
- Silence. Very rarely do we encounter silence. Stop reading and listen around you. Background noise is everywhere. The hum of the AC, the air moving the trees, a car driving by...When those noises are removed, our instincts tell us something is wrong. They erased background sounds several times in the movie to create an edge. 
- Varying volumes. I kept futzing with the volume control because it would dip down to barely above a whisper so I'd listen harder and then BAM LOUD NOISES. 
So, overall, I walked away feeling disturbed but didn't enjoy the movie. I thought it was flat and a little boring...kind of like The Forest. 

THE BOY

A young American named Greta (Lauren Cohan) takes a job as a nanny for an 8-year-old boy in a remote English village. To her surprise, Greta learns that the child of her new employers is a life-size doll. They care for the doll as if it was human, which helps the couple to cope with the death of their own son 20 years earlier. When Greta violates a list of strict rules, a series of disturbing and inexplicable events bring her worst fears to life, leading her to believe that the doll is alive.

This one I did enjoy! The premise of a creepy doll has been done, yes...but I enjoyed the way they went about it here. 
I can't say much without spoiling it...but the story ended in a way I didn't expect and definitely freaked me out more than I'd thought it would. 
The final shot, however, I could have done without. It just wasn't necessary. 

Have you seen any of these movies? What did you think?

Let's clear up a few things before I really start my story. 

Sex positivity means supporting you (general you) in whatever kind of consensual sex you want to have...even if that's none. 

Not having sex is the only 100% effective form of birth control. Can't get pregnant if you're not exposed. 

So, what do I mean when I say I believe in Sex Positive Abstinence? 

I'm a firm believer in teaching abstinence as a viable and effective form of birth control and protection against STDs. But at the same time, generic "abstinence only education" is harmful and flat out awful in some cases. 

Allow me to tell you my story...

On May 20th, 2000 I lost my virginity. I'll save you the math. It was 16 years ago. I was 13 years old. 

Those of you that are shocked may take a deep breath here. 

The guy was 16 and I'd known him all of 2 weeks. It was our first outing together. 

Yeah. That happened. 

It's taken a lot of therapy to unpack that mess of emotions. 

After that, I got to see Abstinence Only Education (AOE because I love acronyms) from a different perspective...

 Because no one expected that the 13/14 year old in the room wasn't a virgin. They all thought they were getting to us "early" enough. 

So, when people said "You're too young to have thoughts like that" I immediately thought I was broken. 

Newsflash: Hormones can cause sexual feelings. Having those doesn't mean you're a pervert or nympho...it means you have functioning hormones. It's part of puberty and everyone experiences it differently. 

When the instructors told the boys in the class that "God would give them a good woman if they saved themselves for her" I immediately heard "That's not you. None of the boys in here are for you." 

That's bullshit.

Each time virginity was compared to a crumpled dollar bill or a chewed piece of gum or a picked flower...I felt irreparably damaged. "You can't unchew a piece of gum" and "you can only pick a flower once." 

Well then...I guess I should go have all the sex because it's too late for me, right? 

No one said teenagers were rational...especially depressed teenagers. 

Do you have any idea how many of these classes I've sat through in my life? Each one kicked my already bruised heart one more time.

How do I still believe in abstinence? It makes sense, but it should be handled differently. Teach kids HOW to say no, WHY to say no (with logic, not fear tactics), and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TELLING THEM SEX IS AWFUL. Because the first time they do it and enjoy it, you lose all credibility. 

Teach everything (birth control, condoms, rape reporting, etc) because you don't know who needs which piece of information. 

Stop convincing kids that they're broken because they want sex. 

Stop convincing them they're damaged if they've had sex. 

Stop making people believe they won't find a good partner if they don't "remain chaste and pure." Because you know what? My husband is freaking awesome. I remember sobbing and apologizing to him that I'd lost my virginity 5 years before I met him...and him telling me it didn't matter because that was my past and we (he and I) were my future. 

It's okay to hurt. 
It's okay to heal.

You're not damaged. 
You're not broken. 
​You're human. 

One Week! Lots of Books! My FAVORITE Read-A-Thon. 

I have a tentative list that's HUGE but I want the ability to make choices...

- A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J Maas (I waited so I could read it during BoB)
- Liar Liar by MJ Arlidge
​- Maybe He's Just An A-Hole by Halle Kaye
- The Lost One by LG Pace III
- Whiskey Sour by JA Konrath
- The Casquette Girls by Alys Arden
- Red The Were Hunter by Rebekah R Ganiere
- Undraland by Mary E Twomey
- Thicker Than Blood by Sheehan and Riley
- The Devil's Nightmare by Robert Pruneda

So now I head into reading...after I clean...and eat....and make the kid food. 

But then: READING (I hope)
​

We've all heard the saying "Time Heals All Wounds." 

I find that really misleading. I used to think people were saying, with time, it would stop hurting. 

Grief doesn't necessarily change and get easier. YOU change and get stronger. Look at it like exercising. You can do a dozen pushups every day. After a period of time, it'll get easier to accomplish. But that doesn't mean the exercise changed. Your muscles changed and got stronger. 

May 7th will be 16 years to the day that I lost my step-brother. He was murdered. I was 13 and it was the first huge death I can remember dealing with...and it wrecked me. 

May 20th also holds a significant loss of sorts that I'm, honestly, not ready to talk about yet. 

As my life has changed, the way I feel the grief has changed. The last few years have been more difficult and I'm still working through that. 

​So, grief sucks. If you can give me an extra hug over the next few weeks I'd appreciate it.