After a long day I like to sit downstairs, without kids, and just be an adult. 

It always happens when I get my guard down...when I let go of that last shred of "waiting" for the kids. 

Always...

The sound of the door opening makes me feel like I'm suddenly in a scary movie. 

Part One can be found here

I was in this weird sense of denial about my eating disorder resurfacing. Facing up to the anxiety, depression, and self harm urges was easy. Admitting that I'd sunk back into *that* world? Hard as hell. 

I went into counseling. I also didn't tell anyone. When I went on medication it was easy to admit, but counseling was a different animal. I think it was admitting that I was so out of control of my own thoughts. 

It ended up being the best decision I've made in a long time. 

I drove roughly an hour (at least...stuck in traffic A LOT) once a week because I found an amazing therapist. I poured out my heart. I worked through A LOT of difficult things. I cried more than I wanted. I forced myself to face difficult situations...even going as far as to email him saying, "Force me to talk about this." He said no other patient has done that and he admired how dedicated I was to getting better. 

Truth be told, it was the first time I've ever gone into counseling with the intention of getting better. Every other time it was either paying lip service because I was forced OR dealing with a single issue and never opening up. With Derek I felt like I could be real and never felt judged. The only other person that knows so much of me is my husband. 

Now to the apology. 

During this time I tried to work on my business...even though I felt like the world's biggest hypocrite. Here I was preaching the virtue of being healthy and making healthy choices...and then curled up in a ball in front of the fridge sobbing because the idea of *needing* to eat (of having no choice) was overwhelming and terrifying. 

I'd sell products during a high point with the full intention of being a good coach. Then I'd dip into a valley and shut off from the world; leaving my customers hanging in the balance. 

I let you down. I know it was to "take care of me" or whatever, but I still feel like I let you down. I could have admitted to my faults or backed off completely, but I kept that false front up for the world. 

I'm sorry. 

This will be in installments to sum up my year and apologize to everyone that I let down. Seriously, you deserve it. 
~~~
Around this time last year I got stressed out. For me, stressed out is a state of being and not anything abnormal. I'm an anxious person. I flirt with depression. It's the way things have always been. 

Right after my husband's major jaw surgery I decided to try Insanity....because I had, in fact, lost touch with reality. 

I lasted a week. 

The start of week 2 I did a couple of workouts but not the full calendar week. I tried again the next week. That's when my body basically gave up.

I started having chest pains. In hindsight, I should have rushed to the Emergency Room because I have a heart murmur that hasn't been checked (or caused problems) in nearly 20 years. It was so intense that I had to sit down. 

I put Insanity on the shelf at that point and went about my daily life...until the chest pains started happening during non-Insanity-level activities. Making dinner, sitting on the couch, etc... I had no other heart attack symptoms so I consulted my good friend Doctor Google. 

Anxiety. 

Duh. 

I got the courage to see my doctor and ask for medication after a slew of natural remedies did no good. It was time for the big guns. I ended up on Zoloft. 

It took my sense of taste away for 2 weeks. Again, Dr Google was my friend in figuring out that this is common (but not listed as an official problem) and I trudged through it. 

2 Weeks after that I got my wisdom teeth removed...and ended up with dry socket. Was it the worst pain I've ever had? No. Was it mind-numbingly horrible? Yep. Being unable to eat solid food was more of a mental thing than a physical thing. 

I got healed up and felt fine. 

2 weeks later I got food poisoning from a local Greek place (I still can't think about eating lamb gyro) Again, I was off of solid food and subsisting on sips of water for several days. 

The Voice in my head latched on to my weight loss. Even after I healed from this bout of torture I didn't want to eat. I had lost a significant amount of weight and kept thinking "if I eat I'll gain it back." 

I had relapsed into my eating disorder...

to be continued...

I've looked at things on Craigslist but rarely ACTED on it. You hear so many stories of people getting screwed over or worse and it makes you wary. 

However, we've had two great experiences! 

My husband found a Roomba for $100. Those things retail for $300 at least. It's in great condition, probably needs a battery change (it doesn't hold a charge for 2 hours like it's supposed to...but whatever) 

Then, I found this beauty.

It was $50. GREAT condition. It obviously just lived in the guy's garage and got dirty but I rinsed it and it's pretty! Wood frame and everything. 

Have you found any great finds on Craigslist?