A totally normal renovation was rudely interrupted by the presence of a coffin. 

You read that right: A FREAKING COFFIN. 

Oh, the location of the home? Elm Street.

I'm not making this stuff up. 

People are shrugging it off because a neighbor says it's a family pet and the coffin does, in fact, contain dog bones. 

However...

I've watched enough horror movies to raise an eyebrow. 

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL THEY FOUND!

They also found bags with pink booties, stuffed bears, AND BONES. No word yet on the type of bones. The article merely lists "bones" as part of the objects found in the bags. 

Because that makes sense...booties, bears, and bones. Either someone is screwed up or has a weird alliteration fetish. 

There was also a toolbox containing cat bones.

The article that's going around discusses this in a very nonchalant tone. Like it's something you'd expect to find in someone's yard. 

I can see John and Harriet discussing it over afternoon tea now...
"Did you hear Jane Doe found a coffin full of dog bones in her backyard? And a toolbox of cat bones?" 
"Well who hasn't? Am I right?" 

Ha. Ha. Ha. 

No. This is weird.

The bones had been buried for 30 years. Neighbor confirms it's a dead family pet from a previous owner. 

But Elm Street? Is this a long planned prank or a god awfully weird coincidence?

Should residents be watching out for the Freddy version of Cujo? I guess if Mission, Texas starts stockpiling caffeine we'll know something is up. 

I'll be honest, I put off reading this for longer than I planned because one of the reviews I saw mentioned zombies. I'm over zombies. I saw "undead" in the description and cringed. 

Well that was a mistake. This book is fantastic and not at all a "zombie book." 

Yes, zombies/undead are part of it, but it's not the characters running around taking headshots and trying to survive. 

It's so much more than that. 

This book is a fascinating balance of zombies, corrupt government, and genetic manipulation. 

There are moments when you, as the reader, question who's really the bad guy and who's just misunderstood or brainwashed. 

When I finished the book I immediately wanted to read it again. It's one of those books that I know when I read it again I'm going to come across AHA moments and hidden secrets. 

It ends on a beautiful cliff-hanger that sinks into your soul and makes you stare at the screen asking, "That's the end?" followed by "This isn't funny. Where's the rest of it?" 

I definitely slap 5/5 stars on this one. Go. Read it. So I have friends suffering the wait along with me. 

So you want to start a family!

Are you....are you sure? Have you read the blog? 

I kid...mostly. 

I try to keep things real with my advice here on Sarcastic Parenting so here is a list of 5 realistic ways you can prepare yourself BEFORE you get pregnant!

1) Sleep on your side!
Belly and Back sleeping will be a thing of the past. Don't "get it all in now" because you'll have trouble transitioning later. Try to roll onto your side if you wake up sleeping another way. Bonus if you can become accustomed to sleeping on your left side (something about arteries and blood flow)

2) Enjoy your favorite foods now!
Especially things on the "no no" lists (rare steak, soft cheese, sushi, etc)! Eat those now and SAVOR EVERY BITE. Take your time drinking that glass of wine or mixed drink. 
Eat the things you love because your taste buds might change. It's usually joked about in the form of cravings and "ice cream and pickles lolz." You may develop a sudden love of salsa or find that you can't be in the same room as someone eating pizza. ENJOY IT NOW.

3) Make your bathroom a nice place. 
You'll be there a lot whether it's peeing, puking, or any other of the fun things pregnancy might bring. 
Stash a comfy pillow under the sink (tile is hard on the knees). Paint it a color you like. Put up some art you won't want to light on fire when it's 2am and you're in there for the 15th time peeing. 
​
4) Grooming!
Are you one that enjoys having smooth legs or other areas? Start getting waxes regularly. There will be a time when you can't reach (or see in some cases) these things. Getting the hair waxed regularly NOW will make it softer and easier to deal with later on. 

5) Self Care
Look, pregnancy can be awesome. It has sweet and funny moments. It's also full of nausea/vomiting, weird pains, weird swelling, heartburn, etc... Start a routine of taking a few hours each week (a whole day or a little bit each day) where you take care of YOU. Read a book, watch your favorite show with your feet up, fix your nails...whatever you like. If you make it a routine NOW, you won't feel bad about taking the time when you're pregnant. Trust me, your body is going to be working HARD to literally grow another human. It's okay to take time for yourself.