Most of the time, I don't feel like a strong person. 

But, you know, I've overcome a lot. I fight a lot of it every single day. 

This isn't always a good thing. 

I've nearly perfected pressing down and ignoring things I don't want to deal with immediately...or at all. It's a lot of work. 

Recently, something came up and I finally decided to acknowledge it instead of putting it back in my emotional closet. (Okay okay...I was "strongly encouraged" to deal with it by those close to me.) 

So for the last several days I've been down. Okay, for the last almost a week I've been feeling down.

Really down. 

No appetite, lay in bed all day, cry at random levels of down. 

Basically, I spent a few days letting my depression win. At first, the guilt started to creep in...How can I tell people to #AlwaysKeepFighting if I give up? 

So I reframed my thinking.

I took a rest day. 

Any good exercise plan, from bodybuilding to marathon training, will include a rest day. Taking time to rest is when your muscles heal. 

After years upon years of repressing and fighting, I needed a rest day. I needed to stop showing how strong I am and just feel for a change. 

I'll be honest: It sucked. It still sucks. It hurts and it's hard. I've had to go back to fighting and repressing because, frankly, I still have to function. 

I tell you this semi-personal story (do I even have those anymore?) to let you know it's okay to take time to feel things. You're going to feel weak. You're going to feel stupid. (Or maybe that's just me?) But it's okay. No one is 100% strong 100% of the time. Even competitive bodybuilders take rest days. 

Disclaimer: This blog is about the word "bitch" and how it impacts MY life. Therefore, it's going to litter this post. 

I've never really minded the word "bitch." 

Well, not when I was younger anyway. 

See, my childhood and teen years fell in the 90's and early 2000's...when the Spice Girls were screaming about GIRL POWER and Meredith Brooks came out with this song: 

It was a time when shopping at Spencer's and Hot Topic made you "edgy" and "cool" because you could buy bottle openers and giggle at the sex toys. I remember the bumper stickers reading: BITCH = Babe In Total Control of Herself. 

So, for a long time it was just a word to me. I didn't grow up with a negative connotation around it. If it was hurled as an insult it was on the level as every other insult...nothing more. 

Enter the abusive boyfriend.

I actually cared what he thought of me so when HE called me a bitch? End. Of. The. World. 

It wasn't until after we broke up I took a long look at what triggered his use of that word. 

Things like having a differing opinion, sticking to my guns on something, refusing to back down in an argument...

Being strong. 

It was that moment I realized if being a bitch meant holding my own and having inner strength...damn right I'm a bitch. 

I've been told (mostly on the internet) that NO ONE should EVER use that word. It's a horrible word that does nothing but bring women down. 

If you believe that, I respect you and won't use it when referring to you and will TRY to cull usage in your presence. 

But for me?

Use it. I'm not offended. I refuse to be offended. It doesn't matter the tone or context. I'm proud to be a Babe In Total Control of Herself. 

Most of you know my husband is military. 

That means he wears the same pair of boots pretty much every weekday. (They're expensive, yo. We can't afford several pairs) 

I also live in Arizona...so it's hot as Hades most of the year. That means sweaty feet. 

All of this combined means his boots/feet tend to smell GROSS. (Sorry, honey...it's true) 

So when I saw these All Natural Shoe Deodorizers by Moody Zook come up for possible review, I didn't hesitate to click the request button.

I'll be totally honest, I rolled my eyes when they showed up at my door. They're literally little cloth tubes filled with whatever filling they use (something about activated charcoal). 

Y'all...

They. Actually. Worked. 

Seriously  not bad for TEN BUCKS. 

A small word of warning though....one of my cats freaking loves these things. It's weird! He seeks them out to play with and will pull them out of shoes if he can. 

He's not normal...

You definitely need these in your life...especially if you're one of my Facebook friends complaining about the state of your teen boy's shoes! 

Exactly one year ago I was coming out of anesthesia from surgery. At 28 years old, I'd finally found a doctor who took my pain seriously and worked with me for a cure. 

That cure...was to have my uterus, fallopian tubes, and cervix removed.

He was able to visually diagnose Adenomyosis...which means it was advanced enough to cause my uterus size and texture to change. 

Adenomyosis is a kissing cousin of Endometriosis, but only recently recognized in the medical community. Instead of the uterine lining growing on internal organs (as it does with endo) it grows into the muscle and permeates the walls. This means lots of pain during periods and, as the disease advances, in between periods as well.

My uterus was 1/3 larger than normal. Now, your internal organs are set up to fit in a particular way so when something is larger than normal it causes issues. 

When my uterus would swell prior to my period (all of them do this) it caused all sorts of issues I didn't realize were related until I had it removed. 

I got very full very fast when I tried to eat. 
I got UTI symptoms (irritation, pain, urgency) every single month.
My IBS...wasn't 100% IBS.
I felt like I had a ROCK in my lower belly. It just felt heavy.
My period pain would have me curled up, dry heaving. 

The list could go on and on...

My road to recovery was rocky to say the least.  I'd still say it was totally worth it. After a year's time, I have zero regrets. Sometimes I get nerve type pain (especially around incisions) but it's brief and tolerable. 

I am so very happy with my results. I know it's a controversial surgery, especially for someone my age, but I am so thankful I found a doctor to help me. 

One of the things I hope to acheive with this blog is pushing you to embrace your geeky side (if it exists) and go to Comicon. 

At least once. For me? 

But, before you go, pin this list so you're sure to at least have the basics!

1) Cellphone and Good Charger
You're going to use your phone A LOT. It's easy to use for pictures (I even use mine to take pictures of things like where I parked or merchandise that catches my eye), you'll use it to get in touch with any friends attending the convention (I even made new ones!), and you can make notes if you're at an awesome panel and want to look something up later. 
I say GOOD charger because I screwed up and brought my subpar one. I have a "rapid charger" that pumps my phone so full of juice it gets hot on occasion (probably not good for it but it came in the box so....) and one that didn't originally come with the phone but "fits" so I use it for longer, overnight charges. 
You want the best charge when you're sitting between panels trying to bump your phone up to functional. 

2) Food and Water
"Don't they have food and drink at these things?" 
Yes. Yes they do. But it's convention food...think $10 for that crappy cheeseburger you got in high school. My husband figured out that the drinks in the vending machines were only $2.50 each...as opposed to $4 or more from a vendor booth. 
So pack some hearty snacks and bring a bottle you can fill at water fountains! Save yourself the money. 

Speaking of money...

3) Cash
I don't like carrying cash around. I've always hated doing it, even before I got my card. But a lot of vendors only take cash and it's much faster to hand a $10 bill instead of going through the song and dance of swiping a card. Plus, it's not uncommon to run into technical issues with card readers and every second counts when you're running to your next panel. 

4) A Book or E-Reader
If you plan on going to the big celebrity spotlight panels, I suggest showing up early. 
Really early if possible. 
Like...an hour early if you really want good seats. 
Sitting in a single seat for an hour is really boring. It's double boring if you forget to bring something to read. (I speak from experience) 

5) Repair Kit
Now, my Comicon has a "repair center" stocked with all sorts of tape, glue, etc... but I don't think every convention is like that. (Correct me if I'm wrong in the comments!) 
What you put in your repair kit is dependent on your cosplay. I had tights so I put clear nail polish in mine. I also had eyelash glue (for errant edges of falsies) and makeup wipes (for quick cleanup of lipstick reapplication) You may have a tube of super glue or safety pins. 
Basically, look at your costume and ask "What can go wrong?" You may have a smooth convention with no issues...or you may tear your pants brushing by someone. Be prepared. ​

What did you put in your Comicon bag?

Raise your hand if you stumbled and/or crawled to the Friday Finishline this week? 

Too exhausted to raise your hand? Can't uncurl from your blanket fort? 

Me too. Me...too...

Between the nasty news circulating Facebook, money stress, and feral children...I'm so done with this week. 

I'm also 110% done with summer vacation.

So here are a couple of my favorite things from the internet this week. 

As I'm writing this post I've had to stop and yell at children over stupid stuff. 

The same stupid stuff I've yelled about all week. 

It's...been a rough week for me emotionally. 

I won't bore you with the details because this is supposed to be a happy post. 


This Seriema bird likes to play with golf balls. 

2016 marks my first year attending the full (well, 3/4 days) event. 

And it was awesome.

I got to see Mark Pellegrino, Emma Caulfield, Kane Hodder, and James Marsters.

I attended some super fun panels on all sorts of random topics. 

I won a pretty kickass poster for "Now You See Me 2." 

But most of all...I got to be myself. 

Physically, I'm still exhausted. I woke up "early" and spend 3 days fairly active. I have a sore bruise on my shoulder (no clue where that came from) and marks on my thighs from ill-fitting tights. My hips and ankles were SORE thanks to cheap shoes with zero support. 

Emotionally, however, I felt at ease. They estimate 85,000 people made their way around the convention center during the 4 days. You'd think my social anxiety would have been through the roof and I would have spent it miserable. 

I wasn't. I got to just...exist. I didn't have to impress anyone. I didn't have to adhere to any particular societal rules (Rules: Cosplay is not consent and don't stand in the walkways). People watching is pretty much encouraged at these events. Squealing and clapping when you see something you like just blends in to the other weirdos doing the same thing. Wear what you want as long as the important bits are covered (for the most part). 

It's definitely my favorite part of Comicon. 

I'll have posts about specific experiences as the weeks go by! I didn't want to word-vomit all over and expect you to read a novel cataloguing every single thing I did over the 3 days. 

I'm already excited for next year. 

And, yes, I already have my cosplay planned. 

No. I won't tell you. You'll just have to wait and see in 2017.

I'm always open about my mental health struggles. 

I discuss the ups and downs of figuring out medication.

So, I figured I'd give you a small glimpse into my life today. 

The image we, as a society, have of anxiety is someone shaking and crying in a corner. While that is a very valid image...it's not the only face of anxiety. 

Right now, I'm supposed to be getting ready for Comicon. Tomorrow. 

I need to do various things like finish my mesh sleeves, pack for the hotel, trim and spray a wig...and paint my nails. 

See, I can't find my black nail polish. 

Someone without anxiety would be mildly annoyed and push that item to the back of the list. Logically, I can go literally down the road (close enough to walk if I exercised at all) and buy new polish. The entire trip would take 5-10mins. I can do it this evening and paint while watching Bob's Burgers with the hubby. 

But my anxiety doesn't see it that way. 

Not finding my polish has wrecked the entire process. 

My brain is currently obsessed with it. I can't stop wondering when I used it last, where I would have put it, why it isn't with ANY of the other polishes, etc...

The logical part of my brain knows this is ridiculous. But anxiety isn't logical. 

It isn't like this all the time for sure. Thanks to proper medication I'm usually pretty under control, but the last week has been a bit stressful. 

​Anyone else? Is it a phase of the moon or just summer vacation punching us in the face? 

Today...
I won't feel bad about not sharing a snack with my kid. That's mine and they get plenty of special foods they enjoy. 

Today...
I'll go ahead and vacuum/sweep up a couple of errant Lego pieces, because I've reminded often enough.

Today...
I'll let my kids watch extra TV so I can read a little, because my mental health is important too. 

Today...
I'll play Classic Rock in the car instead of something conventionally "kid friendly" because sometimes you just need Metallica. 

Today...
I'll let playing in the hose count as bath time. 

Today...
I'll hug and kiss my kids a little extra and not hesitate to tell them I love them. 

Chances are you've read a few "Things That Happen During Pregnancy" articles/blogs in your lifetime. Some wax poetic about how your body is changing to grow a human. Others rant about all of the gross things that happen. 

Well here's one about the 4 things I wasn't prepared to have happen to my body. These things won't happen to everyone, but they're more common than you might think.

​ WARNING: I'm about to get personal!

1) Favorite Foods Become The Enemy
I was one of the lucky ones that didn't puke with my morning sickness. I just spent the entire day so nauseated I couldn't eat...so maybe not THAT lucky. 
Suddenly, my favorite things in the world started triggering overwhelming nausea. Someone making coffee? Gag. Handling meat? Someone else do it, please. 
Then came the heartburn. I craved spicy food but ended up in awful pain afterwards. 
When my uterus got freaking huge, I ate constantly because anything more than a small serving made me painfully full. 

2) Everything Hurts
Never had joint pain before? You do now! That sharp stitch in your side? Probably "Round Ligament Pain" thanks to muscles stretching out. So congested you feel like your head is in a vice? Welcome to Pregnant Rhinitis. When that's over you can enjoy your nose being dry and cracking on the inside. 
Just wait until that baby settles down closer to the birth canal. It feels like you're smuggling a bowling ball in your vagina. 
Those sweet baby kicks that feel weird and cool at the same time? Not as much fun on your ribcage...and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

3) Stretch Marks...Everywhere. And I Do Mean Everywhere.
I'm convinced everyone who says they didn't get stretch marks during pregnancy either didn't look hard enough or is a genetic mutant and not to be trusted. 
I got stretch marks in the expected places: Belly, Hips, Breasts (I already had those thanks to my boobs being freaking huge) 
I didn't expect to get stretch marks in Lady Land. 
You heard me. 
Stretch Marks. In my lower bathing suit area. 
What. The. Actual. Hell. 

4) Hormones Don't Only Mean Crying.
I got needy. Like a kitten level of needy. I wanted people around but wanted my space at the same time. I wanted to be cuddled but could barely stand being touched. I wanted to watch my favorite movies but got pissed off when they made me cry. 
I was a mess. 
Thanks hormones. You suck. 

BUUUUUUT

It's worth it in the end. 

Nope. Totally serious here. 

Getting a baby out of the deal was pretty cool. I grew a human inside me. Twice. It's pretty badass.