It was promptly brought to my attention that I missed a few in the previous post.

So here's Part Two!

Tequila
It's Girl's Night or you're eating tacos (or both)

 Cheap Wine
You're a mom. 

Expensive Wine
You're not a mom. 

Imported Beer
You've tasted a lot of beer and know your stuff. 

Domestic Beer
You'll take what you can get. 

Cheap Beer (think Keystone)
​You're disgusting.

This is totally in fun. If you take any of this seriously...you must be new around here. 

No Alcohol
You're probably the designated driver tonight.

Cheap Vodka
You're a broke college kid...chances are you aren't even old enough to legally drink.

Expensive Vodka
In a martini? You're a spy. 
Straight up? You want to get drunk...like, yesterday. 

Rum
You're either a pirate or enjoy pretending you live on the beach.

Whiskey
You're hardcore and likely to punch that rude guy in the corner before you finish your drink.

Gin
You're old. Sorry. 

I confessed on my Facebook recently that I didn't know how to properly pronounce Samhain until a few years ago. 

In my defense, I didn't use it in every day life. 

I also didn't learn to pronounce some names like Joaquin and Siobhan until I was in my 20s. My little corner of the world never had use for these names. If I came across it in a book I would muddle through and make something up in my head. (Like most of us did with Hermione) 

But I do have one slightly embarrassing story...about roadrunners. 

First of all....they're real. Yes, I wasn't 100% sure on that until my late teens. 

Let me use this moment to remind you I lived in suburbia. 

The only exposure I'd had to roadrunners was when it was being chased by the coyote on my television. 

So when I was riding in the car with my husband, around age 20, and he stopped to point at the side of the road while exclaiming "Look! A roadrunner!" I got excited. 

And immediately pouted because I couldn't see it. 

It was standing RIGHT on the side of the road. Literally right in front of me. 

But I'd never seen one before...not even in pictures. 

In the cartoon, the roadrunner and coyote are the same, fairly large, size. 

Yes...I was looking for an emu sized bird on the side of the road.

My husband still laughs at me when this story gets mentioned.

I use it as an opportunity to point out the "classic" movies he's never seen. (Who hasn't seen The Fugitive? Seriously?) 

Once upon a time my cats were tiny enough to sleep in the sink. This worked out perfectly when we used to lock them in the bathroom at night (so they wouldn't bother us)

Eventually, they got large enough that their weight would depress the plug.

​Can you see where this is going?

Imagine waking up at 6am being told your bathroom is flooded. 

Yeah. On the list of "stuff not allowed before coffee" THAT is right under "diaper blowouts" and "vomit." 

​It turns out, the cat laid in the sink and pushed the plug....and then stood up and bumped the faucet handle. 

So, the water ran. 

All. Night. Long. 

Did I mention this was the second floor? 

Flooring damaged. Carpet damaged. Ceilings damaged. Drywall. 

All because my stupid cats slept in the stupid sink. 

The only silver lining was their bathroom was above the garage so most of the damage was in there and could be fixed gradually. No electronics or anything were beneath it. 

I think it took my husband a solid year to forgive them. He still gets irritated when you bring it up. 

So that's the story of how my cats flooded part of my house! 

When I don't have an immediate idea for a blog post I tend to browse "writing prompt" posts by other bloggers. 

This one suggested discussing an embarrassing moment. 

Oh dear. Which one? 

So I decided to go with the one that came to mind first. It's not the worst memory ever and I definitely survived just fine...but I still cringe and blush a little. 

Let me paint a picture. 

Highschool. So already things are awkward. Those of you that weren't popular but not TOTAL outcasts know what I'm talking about. 

Now, I had an eating disorder around this time so I was pretty skinny. Like, most of my pants didn't fit kind of skinny. I had a pair of black pants that were like a cross between workout pants and dress pants (before "leggings that look like other pants" were cool. Trendsetter. Right here.) I wore those things to death because they fit well, were comfortable, and I could come home and immediately workout. 

I remember I was in my Comparative Politics class. I knew most of the people here AND the guy I had a major HOLY CRAP I CAN'T crush on was in this class. Obviously I had to play it cool. (hahahaha) 

Class hadn't started yet so I was chatting with a friend. I squatted down to whisper to her and felt a rip....

Right in the crotch of my pants...

Did I mention I wasn't wearing any panties that day? 

Yeah. That happened. 

There was a nice cool breeze on the lady garden before what happened truly sank in. 

The tear was HUGE. Like, no way I could go about my day and just keep my legs together and pray. 

My favorite pants had betrayed me. 

Or finally decided to rebel against constant use. 

I borrowed a jacket from my crush (OH GOD) and had to let the teacher know I'd torn my pants and needed to fix them. 

This involved leaving and knocking on another teacher's door (the one that taught sewing class) and begging for a needle and thread...

And then slipping into a bathroom stall to hastily sew the hole up enough to last the rest of the day. 

By the time I'd returned the supplies and returned to class, word had spread. 

So you want to start a family!

Are you....are you sure? Have you read the blog? 

I kid...mostly. 

I try to keep things real with my advice here on Sarcastic Parenting so here is a list of 5 realistic ways you can prepare yourself BEFORE you get pregnant!

1) Sleep on your side!
Belly and Back sleeping will be a thing of the past. Don't "get it all in now" because you'll have trouble transitioning later. Try to roll onto your side if you wake up sleeping another way. Bonus if you can become accustomed to sleeping on your left side (something about arteries and blood flow)

2) Enjoy your favorite foods now!
Especially things on the "no no" lists (rare steak, soft cheese, sushi, etc)! Eat those now and SAVOR EVERY BITE. Take your time drinking that glass of wine or mixed drink. 
Eat the things you love because your taste buds might change. It's usually joked about in the form of cravings and "ice cream and pickles lolz." You may develop a sudden love of salsa or find that you can't be in the same room as someone eating pizza. ENJOY IT NOW.

3) Make your bathroom a nice place. 
You'll be there a lot whether it's peeing, puking, or any other of the fun things pregnancy might bring. 
Stash a comfy pillow under the sink (tile is hard on the knees). Paint it a color you like. Put up some art you won't want to light on fire when it's 2am and you're in there for the 15th time peeing. 
​
4) Grooming!
Are you one that enjoys having smooth legs or other areas? Start getting waxes regularly. There will be a time when you can't reach (or see in some cases) these things. Getting the hair waxed regularly NOW will make it softer and easier to deal with later on. 

5) Self Care
Look, pregnancy can be awesome. It has sweet and funny moments. It's also full of nausea/vomiting, weird pains, weird swelling, heartburn, etc... Start a routine of taking a few hours each week (a whole day or a little bit each day) where you take care of YOU. Read a book, watch your favorite show with your feet up, fix your nails...whatever you like. If you make it a routine NOW, you won't feel bad about taking the time when you're pregnant. Trust me, your body is going to be working HARD to literally grow another human. It's okay to take time for yourself. 

I'll be doing a Wine Vlog tonight where I drink and ramble about random things. That will be exciting. 

It's been a long couple of weeks. 

Last week, my husband worked late all week. 

I had my dermatology appointment this past Monday. They took 3 spots for testing (I won't hear for a couple of weeks). They itch...and hurt a little. Leave me a comment if you want a full blog on that experience!

We took the kids to see "How To Train Your Dragon 2" on Wednesday. They did great and had a great time! BUT they used up all their good behavior so yesterday was hard. 

Basically....this is me today

But it's FRIDAY! Heading to the grandparent's house tomorrow to let The Kid play in the pool. Another couple of weeks and Husband is taking TWO WEEKS off of work. 

Tonight: People over for stupid shows and alcohol.