I'm going to preface this post by saying these experiences are mine. If you're part of a Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) organization and happy with your choice? You do you. I was fairly happy for a couple of years and then I figured out it just wasn't for me. 

I'm just here to write a post and tell some stories!

My first foray into the MLM world was in 2005. At the young age of 18 I became a Mary Kay consultant... and promptly left for college. 

I was wholly unprepared to "run my own business." I had no start-up income (your consultant buys those samples to give out for free), I knew basically no one, I had no vehicle (I did have my boyfriend drive me in to a single meeting...that was the night I broke up with him), and a full schedule. 

This was a time when Facebook was in its infancy. MySpace was the ruler and Twitter hadn't even been created yet! My "upline" gave me a folder full of CDs to use for training. I was flying blind and started out $99 in the hole. (The cost of a start up kit)

Needless to say, it was a painful learning experience. I walked away several hundred dollars poorer. My upline was hard to get in touch with and my "team upline" (or whatever it's called) wasn't personable and seemed irritated to be dealing with a kid. 

It made me wary of trying an MLM again.

It wasn't until my second son was born (so, around 2011) I discovered Team Beachbody. 

Now, at the time it was still a newish company. P90X wasn't quite a household name yet, but it was getting there. They had 2 flavors of Shakeology and neither were vegan. (And the greenberry was pretty gross) 

But I was doing well losing weight and inspiring others on my own. A (now) friend approached me and told me I was "acting like a coach" and should be getting paid for it. 

So I signed up. 

Overall, it was a good experience. I walked away with LOTS of new friends and a lot of neat memories. 

​But I also came away bitter. 

I turn 30 in a little over a month. 

This shouldn't be as big a deal as my brain wants to make it. 

But let's face it, 30 is one of those "big" numbers. Plus, I'll basically be celebrating on the road. It's a little weird. 

I got to thinking about the articles I grew up reading when I'd sneak a Cosmo or Glamour Magazine...30 was always one of those ages where women were supposed to change. I never read anything that encouraged men to change their diet, appearance, or habits after 30. 

As is usual for me, I don't plan on changing a thing. Here's a list. 

1) My Love of Funky Hair
My hair has been a myriad of colors and styles over the years. It's my favorite thing to change up on the regular. I have a goal of going full turquoise in the coming years! 

2) Fun Makeup
When I first became a mom (in my early 20's) I had this idea that I had to tone down my appearance because "I'm a mom now." I wore neutrals IF I wore makeup at all. 
Now? I recently bought, and wore, blue lipstick. I have my eye on several other "abnormal" colors. I love bright eyeliner and fun general looks. 

3) My Wardrobe
I have no real style. Comfort is key 95% of the time. Leggings and stretchy pants are my friends. But when I do CARE about what I'm wearing? There is no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes I lean more punk in ripped clothes or goth in black and heavy fabrics. I'll even mix "styles" and throw on something bright and perky with something dark. Whatever makes me feel good that day is what I'll wear. 

4) The Way I Speak
I'm loud. I'm crude. I use more profanity than is "socially acceptable" (not always in public but in general). 
I use sarcasm as a second language and tend to crack jokes at inappropriate times. 

5)The Books I Read
I read a little bit of everything. I won't apologize for reaching for an erotica any sooner than I'll apologize for recommending a Young Adult novel. Vampire romance? Bring on the JR Ward. Another fairy tale retelling? Bring. It. On. 


I've spent the better part of a year learning to accept myself. Turning 30 doesn't change that! 

Did you do anything special for your last birthday? Tell me how to celebrate on the road!!!

Most of the time, I don't feel like a strong person. 

But, you know, I've overcome a lot. I fight a lot of it every single day. 

This isn't always a good thing. 

I've nearly perfected pressing down and ignoring things I don't want to deal with immediately...or at all. It's a lot of work. 

Recently, something came up and I finally decided to acknowledge it instead of putting it back in my emotional closet. (Okay okay...I was "strongly encouraged" to deal with it by those close to me.) 

So for the last several days I've been down. Okay, for the last almost a week I've been feeling down.

Really down. 

No appetite, lay in bed all day, cry at random levels of down. 

Basically, I spent a few days letting my depression win. At first, the guilt started to creep in...How can I tell people to #AlwaysKeepFighting if I give up? 

So I reframed my thinking.

I took a rest day. 

Any good exercise plan, from bodybuilding to marathon training, will include a rest day. Taking time to rest is when your muscles heal. 

After years upon years of repressing and fighting, I needed a rest day. I needed to stop showing how strong I am and just feel for a change. 

I'll be honest: It sucked. It still sucks. It hurts and it's hard. I've had to go back to fighting and repressing because, frankly, I still have to function. 

I tell you this semi-personal story (do I even have those anymore?) to let you know it's okay to take time to feel things. You're going to feel weak. You're going to feel stupid. (Or maybe that's just me?) But it's okay. No one is 100% strong 100% of the time. Even competitive bodybuilders take rest days. 

Exactly one year ago I was coming out of anesthesia from surgery. At 28 years old, I'd finally found a doctor who took my pain seriously and worked with me for a cure. 

That cure...was to have my uterus, fallopian tubes, and cervix removed.

He was able to visually diagnose Adenomyosis...which means it was advanced enough to cause my uterus size and texture to change. 

Adenomyosis is a kissing cousin of Endometriosis, but only recently recognized in the medical community. Instead of the uterine lining growing on internal organs (as it does with endo) it grows into the muscle and permeates the walls. This means lots of pain during periods and, as the disease advances, in between periods as well.

My uterus was 1/3 larger than normal. Now, your internal organs are set up to fit in a particular way so when something is larger than normal it causes issues. 

When my uterus would swell prior to my period (all of them do this) it caused all sorts of issues I didn't realize were related until I had it removed. 

I got very full very fast when I tried to eat. 
I got UTI symptoms (irritation, pain, urgency) every single month.
My IBS...wasn't 100% IBS.
I felt like I had a ROCK in my lower belly. It just felt heavy.
My period pain would have me curled up, dry heaving. 

The list could go on and on...

My road to recovery was rocky to say the least.  I'd still say it was totally worth it. After a year's time, I have zero regrets. Sometimes I get nerve type pain (especially around incisions) but it's brief and tolerable. 

I am so very happy with my results. I know it's a controversial surgery, especially for someone my age, but I am so thankful I found a doctor to help me. 

I'm always open about my mental health struggles. 

I discuss the ups and downs of figuring out medication.

So, I figured I'd give you a small glimpse into my life today. 

The image we, as a society, have of anxiety is someone shaking and crying in a corner. While that is a very valid image...it's not the only face of anxiety. 

Right now, I'm supposed to be getting ready for Comicon. Tomorrow. 

I need to do various things like finish my mesh sleeves, pack for the hotel, trim and spray a wig...and paint my nails. 

See, I can't find my black nail polish. 

Someone without anxiety would be mildly annoyed and push that item to the back of the list. Logically, I can go literally down the road (close enough to walk if I exercised at all) and buy new polish. The entire trip would take 5-10mins. I can do it this evening and paint while watching Bob's Burgers with the hubby. 

But my anxiety doesn't see it that way. 

Not finding my polish has wrecked the entire process. 

My brain is currently obsessed with it. I can't stop wondering when I used it last, where I would have put it, why it isn't with ANY of the other polishes, etc...

The logical part of my brain knows this is ridiculous. But anxiety isn't logical. 

It isn't like this all the time for sure. Thanks to proper medication I'm usually pretty under control, but the last week has been a bit stressful. 

​Anyone else? Is it a phase of the moon or just summer vacation punching us in the face? 

Chances are you've read a few "Things That Happen During Pregnancy" articles/blogs in your lifetime. Some wax poetic about how your body is changing to grow a human. Others rant about all of the gross things that happen. 

Well here's one about the 4 things I wasn't prepared to have happen to my body. These things won't happen to everyone, but they're more common than you might think.

​ WARNING: I'm about to get personal!

1) Favorite Foods Become The Enemy
I was one of the lucky ones that didn't puke with my morning sickness. I just spent the entire day so nauseated I couldn't eat...so maybe not THAT lucky. 
Suddenly, my favorite things in the world started triggering overwhelming nausea. Someone making coffee? Gag. Handling meat? Someone else do it, please. 
Then came the heartburn. I craved spicy food but ended up in awful pain afterwards. 
When my uterus got freaking huge, I ate constantly because anything more than a small serving made me painfully full. 

2) Everything Hurts
Never had joint pain before? You do now! That sharp stitch in your side? Probably "Round Ligament Pain" thanks to muscles stretching out. So congested you feel like your head is in a vice? Welcome to Pregnant Rhinitis. When that's over you can enjoy your nose being dry and cracking on the inside. 
Just wait until that baby settles down closer to the birth canal. It feels like you're smuggling a bowling ball in your vagina. 
Those sweet baby kicks that feel weird and cool at the same time? Not as much fun on your ribcage...and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

3) Stretch Marks...Everywhere. And I Do Mean Everywhere.
I'm convinced everyone who says they didn't get stretch marks during pregnancy either didn't look hard enough or is a genetic mutant and not to be trusted. 
I got stretch marks in the expected places: Belly, Hips, Breasts (I already had those thanks to my boobs being freaking huge) 
I didn't expect to get stretch marks in Lady Land. 
You heard me. 
Stretch Marks. In my lower bathing suit area. 
What. The. Actual. Hell. 

4) Hormones Don't Only Mean Crying.
I got needy. Like a kitten level of needy. I wanted people around but wanted my space at the same time. I wanted to be cuddled but could barely stand being touched. I wanted to watch my favorite movies but got pissed off when they made me cry. 
I was a mess. 
Thanks hormones. You suck. 

BUUUUUUT

It's worth it in the end. 

Nope. Totally serious here. 

Getting a baby out of the deal was pretty cool. I grew a human inside me. Twice. It's pretty badass. 

16 years ago, I was 13. 

I was depressed, a child in the middle of divorce, and coming off of the first huge loss I'd ever dealt with.

16 years ago, I went out with a guy I barely knew. 

We ended up back at my house...alone. 

16 years ago, one thing led to another.

I never said no. I never said stop. I never asked questions. 

16 years ago was not my fault. 

It was the first in a string of boys that would take advantage of my vulnerability and insecurity. (Partially thanks to the horrible messages I received)

I'm not proud of it. But I refuse to be ashamed. 

I do not deserve to be punished. I do not deserve to be shamed. I do not deserve to be treated poorly. 

...Even by my own thoughts. 

16 years ago, my world changed in an instant. 

And today, I'm holding my head high...where it belongs. 

Let's clear up a few things before I really start my story. 

Sex positivity means supporting you (general you) in whatever kind of consensual sex you want to have...even if that's none. 

Not having sex is the only 100% effective form of birth control. Can't get pregnant if you're not exposed. 

So, what do I mean when I say I believe in Sex Positive Abstinence? 

I'm a firm believer in teaching abstinence as a viable and effective form of birth control and protection against STDs. But at the same time, generic "abstinence only education" is harmful and flat out awful in some cases. 

Allow me to tell you my story...

On May 20th, 2000 I lost my virginity. I'll save you the math. It was 16 years ago. I was 13 years old. 

Those of you that are shocked may take a deep breath here. 

The guy was 16 and I'd known him all of 2 weeks. It was our first outing together. 

Yeah. That happened. 

It's taken a lot of therapy to unpack that mess of emotions. 

After that, I got to see Abstinence Only Education (AOE because I love acronyms) from a different perspective...

 Because no one expected that the 13/14 year old in the room wasn't a virgin. They all thought they were getting to us "early" enough. 

So, when people said "You're too young to have thoughts like that" I immediately thought I was broken. 

Newsflash: Hormones can cause sexual feelings. Having those doesn't mean you're a pervert or nympho...it means you have functioning hormones. It's part of puberty and everyone experiences it differently. 

When the instructors told the boys in the class that "God would give them a good woman if they saved themselves for her" I immediately heard "That's not you. None of the boys in here are for you." 

That's bullshit.

Each time virginity was compared to a crumpled dollar bill or a chewed piece of gum or a picked flower...I felt irreparably damaged. "You can't unchew a piece of gum" and "you can only pick a flower once." 

Well then...I guess I should go have all the sex because it's too late for me, right? 

No one said teenagers were rational...especially depressed teenagers. 

Do you have any idea how many of these classes I've sat through in my life? Each one kicked my already bruised heart one more time.

How do I still believe in abstinence? It makes sense, but it should be handled differently. Teach kids HOW to say no, WHY to say no (with logic, not fear tactics), and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TELLING THEM SEX IS AWFUL. Because the first time they do it and enjoy it, you lose all credibility. 

Teach everything (birth control, condoms, rape reporting, etc) because you don't know who needs which piece of information. 

Stop convincing kids that they're broken because they want sex. 

Stop convincing them they're damaged if they've had sex. 

Stop making people believe they won't find a good partner if they don't "remain chaste and pure." Because you know what? My husband is freaking awesome. I remember sobbing and apologizing to him that I'd lost my virginity 5 years before I met him...and him telling me it didn't matter because that was my past and we (he and I) were my future. 

It's okay to hurt. 
It's okay to heal.

You're not damaged. 
You're not broken. 
​You're human. 

We've all heard the saying "Time Heals All Wounds." 

I find that really misleading. I used to think people were saying, with time, it would stop hurting. 

Grief doesn't necessarily change and get easier. YOU change and get stronger. Look at it like exercising. You can do a dozen pushups every day. After a period of time, it'll get easier to accomplish. But that doesn't mean the exercise changed. Your muscles changed and got stronger. 

May 7th will be 16 years to the day that I lost my step-brother. He was murdered. I was 13 and it was the first huge death I can remember dealing with...and it wrecked me. 

May 20th also holds a significant loss of sorts that I'm, honestly, not ready to talk about yet. 

As my life has changed, the way I feel the grief has changed. The last few years have been more difficult and I'm still working through that. 

​So, grief sucks. If you can give me an extra hug over the next few weeks I'd appreciate it. 

You've probably noticed I've been absent from the blog world. 

If you haven't....hi. Don't click back to see the time difference between the last few posts. 

I wish I had good excuses. I mean, I guess I do (that's what this post is all about) but mostly...I just haven't been writing. 

Last week I got the worst migraine I've ever had. Normally, I'm somewhat functional because, thanks to my horrendous periods, I can compartmentalize pain. This one, however, had me curled up in a dark room praying I didn't throw up. I'd fall asleep and wake up feeling okay until I moved and the pain would start up again. I wasn't able to EAT so I couldn't take anything. I ended up in Urgent Care desperate for *something* to make me function again. It sucked so bad. 

The next day I was still icky feeling but better. 

The day after THAT...I woke up with pinkeye. Now, the night prior I 100% know I got cat hair in that same eye. So, I don't know if it triggered something (that lasted for days) or if I caught it from the school and the timing was a coincidence. 

Either way....screw this "childhood illnesses as an adult" crap. 

In other news: I'm on a new medication dosage because the 40mg Prozac was blocking me creatively. The 30mg seems okay. 

Mostly...I'm worn out. I can't even really describe how I'm feeling. It's not the lower med dosage talking. This has been building for quite sometime. 

Plus, you know, a massive migraine followed by pinkeye makes for a pretty crappy week. That will knock anyone on their ass. 

So yeah. I have a few blog plans in my head. I just have to write them.