Debrief: noun

1. 1.
   a series of questions about a completed mission or undertaking.

There are about 4 days left in 2015. 

Thank. God. 

I've actually typed 2016 on accident more often than I can count because I'm THAT READY for this year to just shut up and die. 

We aren't going to talk about my having a second surgery (this one major) because the first didn't work. 

I'm not retelling the story of when I sort of almost died....and then immediately had to deal with all sorts of BS.

No, we're just going to do a quick rundown of the last few weeks. 

Because, trust me, that's enough for me right now. 

SO. Several weeks ago my psychiatrist upped my Prozac dosage because my depression was coming back. (It always does during the holidays) That means I'm currently adjusting to a new dosage....which can take 1-2 weeks depending on the person. Yay. 

On December 19th (4 days after my 9 year wedding anniversary and the week before Christmas) my abusive ex-boyfriend sent me a message on Facebook. 
Seriously? Because WHY NOT, right?

I'll do a big post coming up about THAT debacle because I'm still not quite ready to unpack that box of crap. 

Basically: Screw him. He's still an ass and I'm better off without him anywhere near my life. 

The night before the 23rd my husband's Christmas gift to me arrived...

A stomach bug. 

I literally spent the night climbing out of bed to stumble into the bathroom and pray for death in between dry heaves. 

The entire next day I ate Sonic ice (you can buy it by the bag) and Gatorade with a spoon. Eventually I noshed on some Saltine crackers and medicated enough to sleep. 

I was able to sleep most of the day on Christmas Eve....while my husband and mother-in-law readied everything for our big dinner we were hosting. 

Yep. Big dinner. While I was still dehydrated and malnourished. Thankfully it had been over 24 hours since any sort of gross incident so I felt safe being around people. 

​Safe....Not good.

Christmas Day arrived bright and early, per usual. I can't even be mad because...come on. 

I did, however, get frustrated when my children managed to lose pieces to the set I bought them pretty much immediately. 

Admittedly, I was in a bad place anxiety/depression wise that morning anyway. Fighting with each other and me didn't help. 

I crawled into bed as soon as I got home from visiting family and slept. 

Yesterday we dropped my mother-in-law off at the airport and ran a few errands....listening to kids bitch about how long it was taking the entire time. 

So yeah, I wish I could say this was an awesome holiday and give a glowing report of how things went...but as my children sit 2 feet from me literally punching each other I just...can't. 

I'm counting down the days until 2016. 

Not because I plan on celebrating New Year's Eve (puh-lease) but because I'm damn well ready for 2015 to be over and done with. DONE. NO MORE. GO AWAY. 

I'm considering a PO Box just so I can shamelessly ask strangers to send me chocolate because my bank account doesn't support my current need. 

If you know where I live please feel free to drop some at my door step and walk away slowly. Bonus if you bring alcohol too. 

I have over 300 friends on Facebook. 359 at the time of this post, to be exact. 

A fair amount of them are mothers. 

Considering I'm posting this to my FB, you're probably one of them. 

Let me preface this post by saying that everything contained therein is MY baggage and MY damage and NOT your fault. I'm not blaming or shaming you. I don't want you to feel bad. 

I want to throw down some honesty in hopes that other moms who feel like me can have a good cry while whispering, "Oh thank God, it's not just me." 

If you're looking for a sarcastic, up beat, laugh filled post....close the tab now because this isn't it.

When you post about your kids sleeping peacefully at 8am while I'm refereeing the 5th fight of the morning...I get frustrated. 

When I see the "all 3 kids down for a nap, score" post when I'm eye-balling the wine in the fridge at noon? I've probably *hidden* your post. 

When all of your photos are of sleeping children or siblings playing nicely together while mine LITERALLY punch each other in the face...I get jealous. 

Each "I love being a Mommy" and "Best job EVAH" post twists my heart a little bit. 

Because I don't feel that way.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten downright angry at my fellow moms on Facebook...and they didn't even know it. 

What's WRONG with me that I'm not having the same experience? What is so DAMAGED inside me that I can't love this "job" I chose? WHY do my kids fight all the time and get violent with me when yours are so freaking peaceful? Where did I go wrong? Why do you get the good times when I spend mine sobbing on the shower floor? It's not fair. 

I'm a failure. 

Or...that's how it feels. 

I had vast plans of homeschooling through high school. 

My kids will probably start private school in the fall (if scholarships work out). 

I had them close together (20 months apart) because I thought them being close in age would mean they'd get along better. 

It means I don't get a break in attitude shifts. 

I had mental images of a clean home, meals made from scratch, and lots of crafty crap made by yours truly. 

I've actually checked out and can barely muster up the mental/emotional energy to do the damn dishes each day. 

So yeah....add your successful homeschooling posts and homemaking success stories to my list of things that punch me in the gut. 

I'm sure there are a dozen of you going, "But...but Kas. I've always felt that way about you!"

Consider your bubble burst. 

Here's your dose of reality: It's not just you. 

Those thoughts you've had about running away? I mentally packed a bag and cried because what kind of mother thinks like that? 

That urge to scream until your throat bleeds because MAYBE THEN someone will freaking listen and see how miserable you are? Been there, honey. Have some wine with me. 

So here's to my fellow moms that clench their fists while browsing Facebook. 

Who have to walk away from social media more than once a day because you feel like a failure. 

Who cry in the shower because it's the only time you ever get alone to just FEEL. 

Who are nodding along to this post because Facebook Snapshots of Life is the most frustrating thing ever. 

You're not alone. 

Have some wine. 

Comments are open but if you're going to suggest therapy (I have an appointment, thanks), tell me I'm a shitty mother (I know, thanks) or suggest something asinine (I'm sure you're out there) just...don't. 

It's May 26th here and this is my 5-day forecast

Wednesday is going to be SUPER exciting...what with the 10% chance of rain and everything. 
It's gonna be a chilly 98 come Thursday. I'll make sure and pull out the parkas!

IT'S ONLY MAY, Y'ALL! THE HOTTEST MONTH OF THE YEAR IS AUGUST....THAT'S A FEW MONTHS AWAY. 

Send blocks of ice and lots of alcohol. Like, yesterday. 

I've dealt with a lot of things as a grownup. A lot of gross things too. 

Birth is gross. Yes, it's beautiful and wonderful and blah blah blah. It's also full of disgusting things. 

Babies are gross. They're adorable and sweet and all that....but they're also puking, peeing, poop machines. Most of those fluids, by the way, will get ON YOU at least once in the first year. 
Ever reached out to catch vomit in your bare hands? I've done it. More than once.

Today was no different. 

No, there were no bodily fluids. This isn't a "haha my kid pooped everywhere" post. 

This is a FREAKING PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Did you know potatoes turn to mushy liquid if left for too long?

Want to see?

You're in luck. I have no pictures. 

You know what LOVES mushy potatoes? Fruit flies. Those little annoying beasts that like to fly in your eyes and up your nose. (or is that just me?)

And because I'M the grownup I was the one that had to deal with it. 

Without puking because I can't risk a chain reaction and more of a mess...

when my FIRST reaction was:

Hi there! Frequent user of your video crack here. I'm not one that enjoys the gym that often. I prefer to get grody and red-faced in the privacy of my own home. Cursing is also more acceptable when no one is around to hear it. (You can't yell "Oh f**k you AND that move" in the gym. People stare)

I appreciate the use of a modifier. Truly I do. 

Planting butt on the couch and chowing down on pizza needs no modifier. So that's where I'm at most of the time. 

I have one issue with your modifier. 

They all look like this...

Now, I'm not body shaming. Far from it, in fact. 

I understand that you put the super fit people in the videos for motivation. So we all work harder while thinking "I'm gonna look like THAT!" 

I'm here to tell you that it doesn't always work that way. 

Some of us see these people plowing through the workout and scream, "Well OF COURSE you can do that 500th burpee. Look at you...all fit and sh*t." 

When I, an out of shape person, is struggling to keep with up the freaking modifier? I don't feel motivated by the super fit bodies dancing around the screen. I feel the opposite. I feel stuck and fat and stupid. 

I can't be alone in this.

So how can you help? 

Put US in your videos. 

Put someone that didn't "graduate from the program" in it. Or who DID but still has weight to lose. 

Put in the person that flushes bright red and looks like they want to die by the end of the workout. I relate to that person. 

Put in the person that struggles to do that 5th pushup but powers through. I relate to that person. 

Put in someone that needs that extra sip of water or extra second to breathe. It's hard to see "do it at your own pace" when no one else is taking a break. My "own pace" feels like crap. 

Basically....add a few real people. I know it's not as glamorous. But it's real. 

You're probably thinking:

So anyone that's reading this? Can you just sign a comment "Agree" or something if you could get behind this? If you can respectfully disagree, I invite that as well. 
And give it a share. If it gets enough traction I'll start linking it around to at least one company that I know listens...

That gif is just TOO perfect! 

As always: Trigger Warning enabled. I read too much and know too many things. Keep it clean. Let's have a good fight. Wait...no...what?

Right to it. If you haven't read the rest please go HERE to get caught up!

This post contains more opinion on my part than some of the others. If you disagree that's fine, but do so respectfully.

Christian offers no aftercare. 
Aftercare is something that happens after a scene. Each submissive's need for aftercare is different. Some need to be cuddled. Some need blankets/chocolate/water (everyone should have water in my opinion). Some just need to be left alone. 
Aftercare is necessary because a scene can involve a serious release of endorphins. You know how after sex a lot of women want to cuddle? It's that, but on crack. 
After their first more intense scene (spanking involved), Christian offers zero aftercare. He doesn't even find out what kind of aftercare she needs. She later has a huge sobbing breakdown THAT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE TO HELP WITH ORIGINALLY. 
A sub's mental/emotional/physical health following any encounter is the responsibility of the Dominant. Christian falls away from this many times. 

He punishes her improperly. 
He warned her that if she rolled her eyes she would receive a spanking. Fine. That's their dynamic and their rules. 
However, he does it wrong (in my opinion). 
Disciplining an adult is the same as a child. Any parent knows you discuss what went wrong before AND after the punishment. The same applies to adults. 
Christian, however, doesn't go into it. A proper way of dealing out a punishment would have been to remind her "I told you that rolling your eyes offends me and what the punishment would be. Do you understand?" Apply punishment. And then go over it with her after. 
It seemed more out of frustration or anger to me. 

There is a lack of trust between them. 
She doesn't trust him to control himself. He doesn't trust her to safe word. 
They shouldn't "play" together until trust is established. Period. Let me caps that. YOU SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T TRUST 100%. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

He tracks her down in another state when she needs time to think. 
This was just creepy to me. He figures out her schedule and whatnot. It doesn't speak of trust to me. 
I had an ex that did that kind of thing. There's a reason he's my ex. 

He uses sex to shut her up. 
This goes back to using sex as a weapon. (I believe that was in part 1)

She doesn't enjoy pain, but he continues. 
I ended my last post discussing this. Christian Grey is a sexual sadist. He gets pleasure by inflicting pain. However, that is usually paired with sexual masochism....people that find pleasure in pain. 
They are mismatched. Ana may learn to enjoy the submission part, but she doesn't like pain and that isn't necessarily something you can TEACH someone. He, being the experienced one, should see this and end the relationship. Since he can only enjoy sex THIS WAY, he shouldn't be with someone that can't. 


I don't know when the next series on this will come out...because I have to read the next book for it to happen.

Trigger Warning for abuse and rape talk therein. Protect yourself. You choose if you wish to keep reading :)


I was going to make this one blog post but I'm up to chapter Fourteen and already have fodder for Christian's abusive behavior. That's disgusting. 

The hardest part about this project? Reading the book. I'll probably do an entire post on the word choices that I hate. 

But, onward! 

I've spoken on Facebook about how I believe Christian Grey of the "acclaimed" 50 Shades of Grey is NOT the "perfect man" nor is he the type of man you should be seeking out. He is, in fact, overbearing and abusive. If you want to get technical (and I won't in this particular post) he's also a terrible dominant. 

Why are so many women looking the other way? He's described as incredibly attractive. He's also very rich. 

The uninformed have also looked at his overbearing and controlling behavior and said "but he's her dominant so it's okay." Do some research on a proper Dom/sub relationship before you talk to me about that, k?

So, evidence. 

From the very beginning Christian warns Ana "stay away from me." Now, this is after HE SEEKS HER OUT. That's a little weird. 
It gets even more backwards because after warning "stay away" he buys her a lavish gift of first edition books. 
I'm not 100% sure this is indicative of abuse, but it's not healthy. 

He DEMANDS to know where she is (when she calls drunk) and then tracks her cell phone to pick her up.
This is excused or ignored by readers because her "friend" attempts to sexually assault her and Christian saves the day. So I've been told "But what would have happened if he hadn't have done that? She could have gotten raped." A favorable outcome does not excuse the behavior. 


What if we took it to the extreme? Girl gets raped but the bar she was going to be at catches on fire? Oh, well it's a good thing she got raped because she would have been in that bar instead! 

Does it still work? No? Then shut up.

Splattered throughout the book, compliments are followed closely by reprimands. 
Abusers do this. It sneaks the blow in under the guise of being "helpful" or "character building" or whatever. 
Direct example, he compliments how she looks in an outfit. She blushes and looks down.
"You know, you really should learn how to take a compliment." His tone is castigating.
Castigate is to reprimand someone severely. 
He reprimanded her for BLUSHING?! Because she should be able to control that, right? It's even more frustrating when you consider this is directly after she woke up in his hotel room after drinking/puking herself unconscious the previous night. 

She plainly tells him "I prefer Ana" and he continues to call her Anastasia....UNTIL later when he wants something from her. 
It's a small thing but it's a definite power play. It bothered me a lot. It's in the *denying* portion of the Abuse Power And Control Wheel I think

He withholds affection/attention when he's angry.
Any time Ana annoys him or does something of which he does not approve he shuts down. This happens A LOT. It's definitely an emotional abuse technique.

Direct quote from Ana: "He uses sex as a weapon." 
If this is not a RED FREAKING FLAG to you...I don't know. It should be. Sex is something to be enjoyed and shared. It should never be a weapon or used for coercion. 
Christian likes to have serious conversations during sex or directly following sex...when he knows his victim will be more pliable to his will.

When Ana is still in the consideration phase for Christian's proposed "Dominant/submissive" relationship he utters this phrase: "If you make the right decision I'll see you Sunday."
First of all, whichever decision she reaches would be the right one because it's HER decision. Stating that there is a right or wrong decision is, you guessed it, abusive. Having a relationship with him is the only "right" decision? NEXT.

It's only chapter 14. I have more of this crap to wade through.

It's been a week and a half and I'm still hurting. It's not overwhelming but I still have NO IDEA what's going on. So here's my list of why I'm irritated about it...

1. Pain Med Side Effects
I'm woozy and sleepy most of the time. (Courtesy of the Vicodin I take at night) I'm on a pain patch during the day which also makes me sleepy AND alters my taste buds. So sometimes things taste wrong. (Sausage and Eggs? You mean bowl full of dirty pennies?) 

2. Scary Possible Side Effects
I'm constantly on guard because the meds BOTH have the possibility of shredding my stomach lining, wrecking my liver, and destroying my kidneys. It's a little scary. 

3. Constant Fear
I don't know what I did to hurt myself...if I did anything at all. So I'm suddenly super careful because I don't want to reinjure myself. No I can't lift a kid, push the couch, bend over to get laundry, etc...I don't know which action CAUSED THIS. I also can't work out....which extra sucks. 

4. Inconsistent Pain
There is no one motion/movement that triggers the pain. Sometimes I can bed at the waist, sometimes it shoots across my ribcage. Sometimes I can lay on my left side, sometimes it's agony. Sometimes I sit with no pain at all until I get up...and sometimes it hurts all the time.

5. The doctor is confused. Normally rib pain is caused my trauma. I've had none... It's a little disconcerting to be hurting (ha, random poetry win) and have the doctor scratching her head. 

Depression is actually pretty common. You know what else is common? People being insensitive jerks to people with depression. A lot of you don't mean to and don't REALIZE you've done it. 

So, of course, here I am to point it out. 

To someone that's never experienced depression I feel like this is their idea of what it is: 

What I always felt like (feel like)

So let's get to the meat of the post. This might be sort of long so deal with it...

What you said: Why don't you just choose to be happy?  OR Just get over it.

Why it's rude: Depression is not a choice anymore than cancer or diabetes is a choice. I HATE feeling this way. I hate feeling isolated. I hate that even when I'm happy my brain doesn't shut up. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there...I'm just doing better at ignoring them. Depression is not a choice. 

What you said: You should pray about it.

Why it's rude: Okay, I'm hesitant to refer to prayer suggestion as rude but....I've noticed this is usually said to people after they choose medication. I believe in prayer. I believe that God can heal anything. I also believe that sometimes it's okay to choose medication. You pray that God heals your diabetes...but you still use your freaking insulin. 

What you said: You're being selfish OR It's just for attention

Why it's rude: Again, depression is an ILLNESS. Do people get cancer for attention? If someone has a raging stomach virus are they selfish for resting? No. Then shut up. MOST of what goes on in my head STAYS THERE. If I were doing it for attention I'd whine every intrusive thought I ever had. I don't. Trust me. 

What you said: What do you have to be depressed about? 

Why it's rude: I can make a sunrise depressing if I think about it long enough. Flowers, fresh air, etc... My mind is a dark place. YOU may not see anything to be depressed about but I see everything. 

What you said: Sometimes I get sad too, but it doesn't stop me from XYZ.

Why it's rude: Depression is not "the blues." Depression is not "I feel sad." Anxiety is not "I'm a little nervous." They're overwhelming and all encompassing. It's the difference between "I got splashed at the pool" and "I'm drowning." 

What you said: You don't look the type. 

Why it's rude: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I'm depressed so I should wear all black? NO. Just no.

What you said: Other people have it worse.

Why it's rude: So? I can't feel feelings because someone else has it worse. That's like telling the rape victim she needs to stop talking about it because she survived and other people have it worse and don't. It's wrong. 

At the end of the day remember this:

At the end of the day, these things HURT. It's hurtful when someone says "I have low self esteem" and your response is "it's for attention." It hurts when people minimize what I'm going through because they don't understand. It's hard to feel like I can be honest with anyone when the responses out there are so negative. 

I was in therapy from March through July (2013). I told, oh, about 6 people. The world knew I was on medication but I never admitted to counseling until my last couple of sessions. I couldn't bear the thought of someone judging me when I already felt judged for needing medication. It shouldn't have to be that way. 

I wasn't sure I was going to write this. The idea formed in my brain and I refused to consider it. 

But I feel that it's necessary. 

See, some of the most hateful people I've ever met have been intactivists. (anti-circumcision) Don't get me wrong, pro-circ people, you're not off the hook. But this is for my fellow anti-circ friends. 

My first son was circ'd. I did no research and didn't consider any other way. When I saw what it truly was and had to take care of him? I started asking questions. 

I didn't like most of the answers. 

I was especially curious about how to broach the subject of having one son circ'd and one son intact. You'd THINK this would be an easy thing to answer. I got two main schools of thought...

The self-righteous: "I wouldn't know because I'm not a baby mutilator." 
The passive aggressive: "I would tell him 'by the time I learned the right way there was no hope for you.'" 

Right. That's totally unhelpful. 

I stopped researching for a LONG time because I had a ton of Mommy guilt and felt constantly attacked ("You let some rapist mutilate your child???") It was the unemotional and logical friends that helped me make the decision. 

I've seen some of the WORST BULLYING led by intactivist groups. 

People's Facebook pages are posted publicly and privately with the name visible. It's understood that you're supposed to go and harass the poster (under the guise "inform") about how circumcision is wrong. 

Things like this:

People on the page that posted the image made comments about her appearance and how she's obviously an attention ho. 

Because that's SO helpful. Tell anyone they're an attention grabbing *insert expletive* and they'll easily see your side of the argument. 

When a few of us got on to say, "Hey, this is bullying and it's wrong" we were basically told that she DESERVES IT for mutilating her child. 

You know the common vein of bullies and rapists, right? The victim deserves it. 

Just as an FYI: If someone has ALREADY had their son cut there isn't much you can do to reverse the decision. Telling them that they're a moron or disgusting is just going to put a bad taste in their mouth about intactivism. Chances are, they won't go researching ever again because they don't want to risk coming in contact with more hate. (That's almost what happened in my case)

I'm sure I'm going to catch all sorts of hell for this post. Recently, a member of a FB group posted about being mindful of their words...and was told that no one takes to kindly to being told how to behave. 

I get being angry. I get angry about how people are LIED TO by doctors when it comes to circumcision and intact care. I get that. 

I don't understand the hate. AT ALL. More flies with honey, people. It's not worth it to be a total jerk to someone else. There is a way to present information without attacking someone. 

Or maybe I'm just bad at intactivism.