You've probably made a few of these mistakes...I know I have. But here's hoping that you never make them again, because they're annoying.

1. Comparison Game
Every person is different. Every child is different. Stop comparing everyone. 
When Mom sighs that she hasn't slept in 3 days because Baby wants to wake up every hour she does NOT need to hear about your friend's child that slept through the night at 2 weeks. She doesn't need to hear that So-And-So's kid started walking/talking/doing calculus straight out of the womb. We're stressed enough when it comes to wondering if our kids are normal. Stop it. 

2. Feeding Choices
Now, I'm very pro breastfeeding. I will argue the merits of breastfeeding and support nursing in public with total strangers. 
However, there is a time and place for this. 
When Mom pulls out a bottle of formula to feed her 6 month old she doesn't need your "breast is best" comments or to get asked why she's not nursing. She has her reasons. She may have tried and it didn't work out. Unless she laments being unable to nurse and ASKS for your advice? Shut up. 
On the flip side, if Mom is having trouble nursing but is committed to making it work she doesn't want to hear how Susie's little Snowflake Princess was on formula and is now a doctor or whatever.

3. Feeding Choices 2
The "shut up about food" doesn't stop when the child gets older. I don't care if Mom never lets her child eat foods that start with "D" because Devil starts with "D" and she doesn't support Satan. Don't comment about it. You can roll your eyes behind her back. You can comment on it after she's gone. But when she's standing in front of you your job is to smile, nod, AND FOLLOW THE RULES. 
My oldest can't have high fructose corn syrup or food dye. 2 sips of a Gatorade turn him into a crazy demon child (which also starts with D) For someone whose child CAN eat those things without issue? I look crazy. I've stopped caring. Don't feed my kid crap.

4. Other Choices
My kids don't watch Spongebob. For some reason this stupid yellow thing is considered classic kid stuff. I hate him. He annoys me and studies have linked it with an increase in ADHD behavior. There are a dozen other things that my kids watch. But the looks I get for refusing Spongebob? It's crazy. 
My kids also don't say certain things. Shut up, stupid, hate, and moron come to mind first. If YOU say it around them they'll correct you. Don't shoot me an annoyed look. Laugh it off and move on. They're just kids. 

5. Keep your "but" to yourself
Oddly enough, this is a general rule for my household! 
If your sentence has a 'but' in the middle of it I probably don't want to hear it. 

Examples: 
I support nursing in public but...only if mom is covered.
Breastfeeding is great but...there's nothing wrong with formula. 
That's cool that your son is intact but...isn't it weird?
I'm all for natural birth but...
He's so sweet but...
Etc

I'm going to be the bearer of bad news. 

I wish I could say I take no pleasure in doing this...but I do. Oh, I take plenty of pleasure. 

You don't have children? Or maybe you just had your first baby? 

You.Know.Nothing.About.Parenting.

I know, this comes as a shock. You're full of advice and tips and tricks. You may have worked in a daycare center. You may babysit family members from time to time. Hell, you may even have friends with children. 

It doesn't matter. You know nothing. 

It's okay. I was once like you. I had a laundry list of things I would NEVER do and things that MY children would never get away with (especially in public). When I got pregnant I had my entire parenting philosophy planned out. My household rules were set before Boy1 was as big as a grapefruit. 

And I followed these things until he was born. 

Suddenly I came to the same realization I'm sharing with you now: I Knew NOTHING about being a parent. 

No TV? Here, watch this show so I can do a load of dishes, vacuum, or breathe alone for 10 seconds. 

No themed toys/clothing? Here, you love Cars right? Will you wear underwear more often if Mater is on your butt? You will!! Here's a pack of Cars underwear. 

I was the same person that looked with disdain at screaming children in the grocery store. You may have nodded in solidarity with me when I whispered, "God, take that child out to the car or come back later." But when I WAS that parent? He's screaming because he's tired and *wants* to go to the car. So leaving is giving in to his little demands. He's overwhelmed because everyone keeps touching him or talking to him. This is the only spare few minutes that we had to go shopping today and we're trying to be fast so please don't stare. 

No, I can't call you tomorrow. The instant I try to pick up the phone is the same instant the screaming fight starts. Unless you want to have a conversation that sounds like a recording of a Tourette's patient you'll have to settle with a text, Facebook PM, or email. I probably *could* call after the kids are in bed, but I won't. That's MY time, not yours. If the day went smoothly I might be in the mood for a phone call. If it was a typical day I'll be cuddled on the couch with my husband and a bottle of wine trying not to cry (and probably failing)

I could do without the sideways look as you bite back a smile at my disheveled appearance as well. It took 20 minutes to get the kids dressed and ready to go. Which probably left 5 minutes (10 if I got lucky) for myself. You're lucky I'm wearing pants. 

So go ahead and assume that I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't. I know that. I'm learning as I go. You, however, can stop assuming that you DO know everything. You don't. It's best for everyone if you acknowledge that or at the very least....

Because I'm doing the best I can without your "help." 

You're invited to the Pity Party!!

Sunday was BEAST Legs. I overdid it...by A LOT. 

I had the BRILLIANT thought on Sunday to let my allergy kid "eat whatever" because "I can deal with the fallout later."

Nevermind that the "fallout" for him is behavioral. So he's spent the morning having screaming, freakout tantrums. 

My throat is sore like I'm getting sick. I've been exhausted for the last several days so I probably AM getting sick. 

However, I'm a mom...moms can't get sick. We have $hit to do.

Add in that there's a SMELL in my kitchen that is indicative of a dead animal? (coming from the freaking wall)

My first instinct is to be DONE. I even told my husband as much (with more swearing...)

Buuuut

I have to parent, get some work done, and try to clean up a bit. 

I become a genius when my brain has nothing else to do but wander...like showers and car trips. 

Ideas I've had lately:
- When a movie is based on a book the theater should offer special showings for those that have actually read it! Seriously, I like the idea of being surrounded by people that GET IT. 
- When you check into a hotel they should ask what timezone you're from originally...and place you in a wing/hallway or just near people in the same. That way, when my kids wake up at 6am because their bodies are going "It's LAAAATE. It's 8 o'clock already" I know I'm not waking up some dude that is on true 6am time. 


I've also realized why I don't normally let the cats sleep in our room. 
- They're huge. Seriously, I have small panthers over here. It's a great conversation topic, but not so great when they jump around at night making THUD THUD sounds. 
- They eat at odd hours. I'm seriously thinking about switching to wet food for overnight because it sounds like someone is eating Life Cereal at 3am and it's not pleasant. 
- When you aren't used to it...having *something* jump on your legs in the middle of the night is not a fun time.
- They like to cuddle ME. Awesome. Because having a 2yo kicking me in the chest wasn't enough fun. I have to add cats climbing on me and taking up the little bed space I'm given to the party. FUN TIMES. 
- I stepped on a stupid cat this morning. It was dark. I have black cats. I was tired. AND HE DOES THIS CRAP RIGHT IN THE "WALKING" AREAS.