Let's clear up a few things before I really start my story.
Sex positivity means supporting you (general you) in whatever kind of consensual sex you want to have...even if that's none.
Not having sex is the only 100% effective form of birth control. Can't get pregnant if you're not exposed.
So, what do I mean when I say I believe in Sex Positive Abstinence?
I'm a firm believer in teaching abstinence as a viable and effective form of birth control and protection against STDs. But at the same time, generic "abstinence only education" is harmful and flat out awful in some cases.
Allow me to tell you my story...
On May 20th, 2000 I lost my virginity. I'll save you the math. It was 16 years ago. I was 13 years old.
Those of you that are shocked may take a deep breath here.
The guy was 16 and I'd known him all of 2 weeks. It was our first outing together.
Yeah. That happened.
It's taken a lot of therapy to unpack that mess of emotions.
After that, I got to see Abstinence Only Education (AOE because I love acronyms) from a different perspective...
Sex positivity means supporting you (general you) in whatever kind of consensual sex you want to have...even if that's none.
Not having sex is the only 100% effective form of birth control. Can't get pregnant if you're not exposed.
So, what do I mean when I say I believe in Sex Positive Abstinence?
I'm a firm believer in teaching abstinence as a viable and effective form of birth control and protection against STDs. But at the same time, generic "abstinence only education" is harmful and flat out awful in some cases.
Allow me to tell you my story...
On May 20th, 2000 I lost my virginity. I'll save you the math. It was 16 years ago. I was 13 years old.
Those of you that are shocked may take a deep breath here.
The guy was 16 and I'd known him all of 2 weeks. It was our first outing together.
Yeah. That happened.
It's taken a lot of therapy to unpack that mess of emotions.
After that, I got to see Abstinence Only Education (AOE because I love acronyms) from a different perspective...
Because no one expected that the 13/14 year old in the room wasn't a virgin. They all thought they were getting to us "early" enough.
So, when people said "You're too young to have thoughts like that" I immediately thought I was broken.
Newsflash: Hormones can cause sexual feelings. Having those doesn't mean you're a pervert or nympho...it means you have functioning hormones. It's part of puberty and everyone experiences it differently.
When the instructors told the boys in the class that "God would give them a good woman if they saved themselves for her" I immediately heard "That's not you. None of the boys in here are for you."
That's bullshit.
Each time virginity was compared to a crumpled dollar bill or a chewed piece of gum or a picked flower...I felt irreparably damaged. "You can't unchew a piece of gum" and "you can only pick a flower once."
Well then...I guess I should go have all the sex because it's too late for me, right?
No one said teenagers were rational...especially depressed teenagers.
Do you have any idea how many of these classes I've sat through in my life? Each one kicked my already bruised heart one more time.
So, when people said "You're too young to have thoughts like that" I immediately thought I was broken.
Newsflash: Hormones can cause sexual feelings. Having those doesn't mean you're a pervert or nympho...it means you have functioning hormones. It's part of puberty and everyone experiences it differently.
When the instructors told the boys in the class that "God would give them a good woman if they saved themselves for her" I immediately heard "That's not you. None of the boys in here are for you."
That's bullshit.
Each time virginity was compared to a crumpled dollar bill or a chewed piece of gum or a picked flower...I felt irreparably damaged. "You can't unchew a piece of gum" and "you can only pick a flower once."
Well then...I guess I should go have all the sex because it's too late for me, right?
No one said teenagers were rational...especially depressed teenagers.
Do you have any idea how many of these classes I've sat through in my life? Each one kicked my already bruised heart one more time.
How do I still believe in abstinence? It makes sense, but it should be handled differently. Teach kids HOW to say no, WHY to say no (with logic, not fear tactics), and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TELLING THEM SEX IS AWFUL. Because the first time they do it and enjoy it, you lose all credibility.
Teach everything (birth control, condoms, rape reporting, etc) because you don't know who needs which piece of information.
Stop convincing kids that they're broken because they want sex.
Stop convincing them they're damaged if they've had sex.
Stop making people believe they won't find a good partner if they don't "remain chaste and pure." Because you know what? My husband is freaking awesome. I remember sobbing and apologizing to him that I'd lost my virginity 5 years before I met him...and him telling me it didn't matter because that was my past and we (he and I) were my future.
It's okay to hurt.
It's okay to heal.
You're not damaged.
You're not broken.
You're human.
Teach everything (birth control, condoms, rape reporting, etc) because you don't know who needs which piece of information.
Stop convincing kids that they're broken because they want sex.
Stop convincing them they're damaged if they've had sex.
Stop making people believe they won't find a good partner if they don't "remain chaste and pure." Because you know what? My husband is freaking awesome. I remember sobbing and apologizing to him that I'd lost my virginity 5 years before I met him...and him telling me it didn't matter because that was my past and we (he and I) were my future.
It's okay to hurt.
It's okay to heal.
You're not damaged.
You're not broken.
You're human.
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